Over Exposed

Do you think people who are blogging or LJing or Facebooking of Twitting or whatever you wanna call it are somewhat over exposed?

 

I read an interview article today and it kinda threw me aback in terms of technology. I have blogs, Facebook, Twitter… and what is the point?

 

I was on an internet hiatus for about a week for my final term. I do admit that it’s insanely hard for me to not go to my laptop at night like I used to and just sit here for hours  surfing around. But once I got used to it, it’s actually not so bad. When I could actually open the internet again, I found myself not wanting to and telling myself that “that stuff can wait”. I’ve been so occupied by it that I didn’t realise how-I don’t know how to say this-boxed? my life really is.

 

It’s crazy and I have everything in my head but I’m not doing too good with words today so I can’t really say it, but… yeah.

Interview: Part 7

Q: And how was today?
A: It was okay… I didn’t expect anything so, I don’t know what to say. Class was too crowded and too small for holding up 80 people. Did nothing at lab. Went home quite early. Took a shower because it was so damn hot today… And that’s besically it. I actually have to look things up on the internet for my assignments but I think I can do that tomorrow. Or later tonight.

Q: So it wasn’t… bad?
A: In a way, yes. But definitely not, like, panic-attack bad.

Q: Are you nervous for tomorrow?
A: Not really. But, you know what… I think when the time comes when I will be busy, then I will have a semi nervous breakdown. Maybe.
Q: And why is that?
A: Just because. It’s what I’ve always do. Get under pressure, and I’ll have a breakdown. Get into a traumatic experience over and over again and I’ll have panic attacks. That’s just me. Although I really wish I won’t have a nervous breakdown, I have a feeling. It’s looming somewhere.
Q: Do you plan to do something about it?
A: What can I do, exactly?
Q: Well, you can take some medications for that. If it strikes.
A: I don’t think I’m going to do that.

Q: So for the time being, can I safely say that we’re clear of danger?
A: For the time being, yes.
Q: Well you call me if anything happens.
A: Will do.

Interview: Part 6

Q: My God!

A: Yeah, right.

Q: I thought you’d never come back.

A: I’m in the middle of a panic attack right now.

 

Q: Sit down. Tell me what happened?

A: I had it when I was at Starbucks and then it kinda went away for a while… Just now I realized it’s came back.

 

Q: Describe them for me.

A: My throat feels like it’s swelling up to the point where it’s almost closing down. I cannot breathe normally. I have to take a huge amount of oxygen from my mouth. My heartbeat went kinky for a while and then I just felt like I could’ve gone down crying.

Q: Okay, well… that sounds like a panic attack to me.

A: You’re telling me!

Q: Why do you have this?

A: College. What else?

 

Q: Hah! God, I have no idea where you are right now. We have a lot of catching up to do.

A: Let me just describe myself to you right now, okay? I’m LOST.

Q: Start from the very beginning.

A: I read the past transcripts and it just shows that basically I have gone nowhere. I’m still as lost, still as complicated, still a total wreck. I thought I’d grown past that but in a way, I think I’m more childish now than I was then. I still have the same dream and I still do not know what I should do. Oh, God, it’s coming again…

Q: Try to breathe…

 

A: I am absolutely freaked out about tomorrow and I don’t know why. Going to college is like facing King Kong for me. It’s horrifying.

Q: Does it have something to do with the fact that you don’t like the major?

A: Yes. Thank you very much! That was spot on!

Q: Any traumatic experiences?

A: Well just that the start of the college begins with terror, so…

Q: How’s that?

A: Well they terrorize you to the point that you apologize to the seniors no matter what. Because if you do it wrong, you’re wrong; and if you do it right, you’re still wrong. There’s always something to blame. And I get the point that they want us to be strong-minded and stand up for what’s right but I just don’t think that’s the way to begin anything. With terror. That’s, like, the worst, crappiest way to start. And to me, it still haunts me to this day. Other people get over it and move on quickly but I don’t. Every time, that experience is looming and I somehow think that it can happen again…………. Do you think I have a mental condition?

Q: I wouldn’t know. From my point of view, you do need a little help but there’s nothing so serious about it. Let’s get back to the panic attack.

A: Oh, right.

Q: How do you deal with all of them? I take it you’ve had more than one?

A: Yes. Usually I calm myself by talking myself out of it just see it as “a day” instead of seeing it as… something full of obstacles.

Q: And that would work?

A: In a short term, yes. Then I have to do it all over again……….. I gotta tell you, I… some of the stuff I said to you, I didn’t even remember them. It’s like… “poof!” they’re all gone. That’s really something else.

 

Q: What do you think is the bast way to end the panic attacks permanently?

A: …. I don’t know. Get good grades? Oh, f%$# that’s the last thing I wanna talk about or think about! Anyways. I suppose all that jazz and get more friends.

Q: You mean you still don’t have many friends?

A: Nope.

Q: And why is that?

A: Ummmmmm……… Difference of opinion? Difference of interest? I’m always arguing with them and that would lead to self doubt, and I fancy the stuff they don’t. I usually don’t like the stuff they love… You know what, it’s making me sick. Like, seriously, I’m about to vomit right now. I think I’m going to throw up.

…

…

…

…

 

Q: Better?

A: Yeah. I didn’t actually vomit, though. It was just saliva.

…

…

 

Q: Do something for me.

A: Yeah?

Q: I think this might help you to handle the problems.

A: Ok…

Q: I want you to buy a recorder. Whenever you feel like you’re in a situation where you want to talk the whole thing out, you record it. You say everything you want to say and don’t hold back. Just let it all out.

A: I’ve actually been thinking about that.

Q: Well, good! Now you have a reason to buy it, and I say you buy it. For your sake. IF, in the future, you decide you want to go to another psychiartrist, you give them the recording so they can listen to it. I know you don’t feel comfortable talking directly to them so that’s another way of explaining yourself.

A: Yep. Sounds good.
Q: I really think that you should start a real teraphy. Not just with me.

A: …

Q: See what kind of explanation they can come up with you, and whether you agree with them or not, that’s up for our grabs later on. You can come back here and discuss the session with me if you want to.

A: Do you have any recommendation at all?

Q: No, not in this city, I don’t. But try it out. If you’re not comfortable with seeing another shrink, then do the tapes first. Bring them to me and we’ll go from there. I suggest you buy the recorder ASAP. Because this is not healthy.

A: OK.

 

Q: What are you feeling right now? What’s going on in your head? Right now?

A: This afternoon when I had a panic attack, I don’t think my facial expression changed. It’s more like… what I felt. I knew my heart just went-whoosh!-you know. It just jumped. And I knew I couldn’t breathe right. But my face remains the same.

Q: Well… do you think you’re ready for tomorrow?

A: Hell no! But what else can I do? I have to tough it up.

 

Q: Come back tomorrow. I wanna know how you feel after the first day.

A: Okay.

Random Rambling

There is a lump somewhere in my body that right now I just cannot get rid of. I think when you admire someone so much and once you get to the point where you root for them, and they ended up losing, you just cannot believe your eyes or what you see. Like, you thought it’s all just… in your head.

 

Would I say that his defeat was inevitable? No. He had points and chances where he could’ve won 3 sets to 1. Specially in the 3rd set. How many break points did he have? How many he converted? And in the end he looked like he fell apart. Almost no confidence at all, errors everywhere, face looking down.

 

I’m disappointed, that, after 4 hours of fabulous tennis by both players, I still cannot respect the winner. I do believe that it’s only because of his haircut, and I know full well that people will smack me in the head because I know what he did was beyond fantastic and that he had so many good points and he fights for it like nobody else. And he’s a nice guy. And just because of his haircut I don’t give him enough credit that he deserves. Can I change that? No. I don’t think so. Not as long as he still has that hairdo, no.

It’s a silly and stupid and pathetic reason, I know, but… yeah.

 

Now no matter how many words and sentences I write, it’s not going to change anything. But I still cannot accept the reality that things are different than what I pictured it would be.

 

If there’s one thing that sports, any sports, has that some other aspects in life may not, it’s passion.

Don’t Wake Up

There’s something strange about having a dream that is so vivid and so real. It’s planted in your head and once you woke up, it’s like you just made a huge jump from that other world towards reality.

 

When the dream is creepy and scary and leaves you wanting to scream of help most of the time, or when it makes your legs are about to fall off from running (and this, I believe, usually happens whenever I’m having a migraine), then the jump couldn’t be more of a lifesaver, you feel. It’s like, “Oh Thank GOD that was just a dream.”

 

But when the dream is nice and fluffy and it has something to do with your own desire, it’s like being in a movie and you’re the lead role. For me, the first thing that screamed in my head when I wake up is, “Damn it!”

Because it was just a dream and I want it to be real. And when I woke up, it’s a sudden jolt of… reality check? I don’t know.

 

I just had one of those nice dreams, and when I have nice dreams, it’s stuck in my head. Sometimes just in the matter of hours, but sometimes it can take me up to a week to feel like myself again (these dreams I would usually remember forever).

 

There’s something about being a romantic that suits me best, and the dream was just about that. It involves some actors and actresses (won’t mention names). One my father, one my mother, one for myself, and the other one for the woman. And the story started of in my grandma’s kitchen and me cooking and somehow it blitzed to another location and the thing I remember is a particular scene where my dad and the woman (who’s having an affair I think. But I like her also) dresses like Cinderella and the prince. My mother doesn’t know that they’re “an item” and we were all invited to a party of some kind.

Long story short, my dad proposes to this woman, and I saw my mom peeking through the window, and all of a sudden this woman turned to me and said, “Ollie (apparently that’s my name)… Marry me?”
My dad seemed unsurprised, because of some twisted story the dream has, he knows I love her, too.

I stood up, took her hand and said, “If it were in any other condition, in any other way, in a second I would’ve said yes. I love you and I do want to marry you. But I know, that you don’t love me the same way you love him. So, no. I don’t want to marry you because you think it’s the best solution. I want to marry you if you love me, like you love him. And you don’t. So I have to let you go.”

Cut back to years later, I was a paper boy and I delivered the morning paper to her house and she greeted me. She was married (to a different man. Not my father) and she wanted to go away with me. I witnessed it myself that her husband was abusive (he almost hit her but I put a stop to it), and she ended up running away with me.

Then there was some chasing by her husband’s men and la la la, and our house was on the verge of being bombed, and that’s when my eyes jolted open.

 

What I remember most was the look of her face, because I know that actress well; it was a very familiar face. It took me very much by surprise because I wouldn’t say that I have a big fandom of her. She is beautiful, and I like her work very much. But to have a dream (much more that kind of dream) was something that surprises me the most. And to say those lines! Holy hell! Since when do I support affairs?

 

I think the beauty of dreams is that you get to be… whoever. A hero. A loser. A lover. A poet. Someone who’s chased by ghost. Someone who supports affairs. Someone who much less understands the meaning of being selfless. Not all of the things I described are pretty and beautiful, but the point is that you get to be someone else. Different than the real you but more or less has the same aspiration and the same way of thinking. Maybe in a dream you get to be more sloppy or have more expression towards your opinion. Maybe in your dream you get to save the world by running around the street with a crate of beer. Maybe you get to be a freaky little girl and scream almost all the time because your bathroom is surrounded by snakes. Maybe you wake up sweating because God knows you’re afraid of frogs and lizards and in your dream, you see just those two animals.

 

In a way… In a really weird way, I think dreams are your form of escape. From the reality of this world-what you don’t have, what you don’t want, what you don’t get a chance to do-into a world who’s very core of existence you create.

House. Not Home

I don’t feel at home when I’m in my house.

 

It’s not a new feeling, but I haven’t been feeling this for quite a while now, and that makes it odd.
Everyone seems like they’re running away.
My sisters don’t want to get out from their room when dad’s already home.
Dad comes home late most of the time, and is gone on the weekends.
Mom is always on the phone.
Me here in front of the laptop thinking about what I should do but don’t actually want to.

 

It’s… weird. To be feeling this after all this time. I feel like I’m running with no direction at all.

The “What Should I Do?” Handguide to Kids. Can I Have One?

The fact that one of my parents is still doing the “silence treatment” to me and my sisters and the other one got caught in the middle really make me want to scream.

 

What The FUCK do you want me to do?

 

Really, to be honest with you, I don’t believe in the Parent philosophy that I was told.

1. Parents are always right
2. If in such occasion they are wrong, see what’s written in number 1.

 

That’s just total BS for me.

 

We have apologized, and now that the treatment’s still going on, I am beginning to despise this shit. I mean, WTH dude? Come on! Grow up and stop acting like such a frickin child!

 

I know my dad loves me. When we went to Bali I was dozing off in the front seat (he’s driving) and I felt his hand stroking my cheek. Before the fight “broke out” that is. The argument also broke out in Bali; thereby making it the worst holiday I’ve ever had.

 

But now that we have already apologized for what we did (which, honest, I still don’t know that we did anything wrong. It’s just his perceptive, I think. But… we apologized anyways) and we try to be casual and he tries to act like we don’t exist.

 

And my mom is stuck in the middle.

 

WTF do you want me to do? PLEASE tell me. And then get over it.

9 Minutes To Tomorrow

I have been feeling bloggish lately, so even though I think it’s kinda odd that I’m writing here three days in a row all of a sudden… I do it anyways

 

I have so many things in my mind right now that I don’t even know where to start. Today was a relaxing day and I am glad for that. The relief had come and my burden is not as big as it was. The problem still lingers in the air, but I have already let it go. If my dad doesn’t want to or still has it, then that’s his problem and not mine. I may sound selfish and I know that I sound selfish there, but I don’t care. I tried and I explained my point of view and from what he said yesterday, the main reason he is angry is with my mom’s sister and the rest of the family that tagged along with us to Bali.

 

I honestly do not know what made me cry. I guess the thought that I had disappoint once again. But even that I’m not so sure.

 

I feel… now… the drive of making things go for the better. For me a new year without a resolution makes you wander around and not knowing what you should do. Resolution for me means goals. And now as the days pass by I still remember those resolutions and I want to change the way I approach my studies. It has been hell for me, I think the worst I’ve ever been in and I don’t want that to happen again. So far so good. I’m doing okay. I cannot wait to go to class tomorrow; even though they’re boring subjects and I don’t really like studying them; Math and Civics. But I have been with disliking my subjects all my life, so I consider this as “normal”. For now I have to put off the thought of doing something I love and studying the things that matter to me, because for now I have to finish this.

 

The fire is still in me. And I pray that it will last forever. That I am not changed only for a short period of time, but forever.

 

Also, I have chased the idea of having a family of my own for so long.
Yesterday I sort of came to terms with it and said to myself that maybe I won’t be as lucky to have them.
So I think by saying that, I’m letting it go; so that if it doesn’t happen, I won’t be so devastated by it.

I don’t know how to explain it; it’s kinda confusing to me. But, yeah, I guess I have given it all up to God. So whatever He has planned for me…

It’s still hard, and I still have this aching feeling every time I remember it. But maybe… I don’t know. Maybe there’s something better.

In The Corner

I learn that if you cry for a long time your breath gets short and you speak like you’re a stutter.

I learn that if you cry long enough and then you go straight to bed you will wake up with swollen eyes.

I learn that if you cry your lower eyelids will swell, and that the regular tears in your eyes will dry out that your eyes feels dry and you have to blink more than the regular times when you’re not crying.

I learn that you can still laugh when you cry.

I learn that sometimes, when you’re crying, you get to thinking and you can’t even remember why you cried. Or you don’t know why the tears came in the first place.

I learn that after you cry, a wave of relief will come; for all the sadness and frustration you’ve been feeling is now no longer bothering you. Even if it still does, it’s most likely not as burdening as it used to.
***
Today was a day of awakening for me. I was driving from university and I saw someone who arranges car parks on the street. He was doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. He was just leaning by the wall of a building; his stomach protruding out like it was a statement, and he was just fixing his belt and staring out. And even at such distance, such angle, I could see that he was staring into nothing. He was doing, like I said, absolutely nothing.
I learn… that if I won’t be serious about my future, that I could end up like that. or maybe worse.
And that is a scary, scary thought.
I’ve always known that you have to work at something you truly want.

 
But today is the day when I finally realized  that you have to work at something you want in life.
***
Here are the things I can do:
1. Shoot myself
2. Stab myself with a kitchen knife
3. Slit my wrist
4. OD
5. Ran away
6. Smoke
7. Go to sleep and face reality and fix everything that I have screwed up
 
And by God, I choose the last.

Beat Me Down to the Ground and Bury Me Alive

The grades from my uni subjects are out and it is not what I expected it. Three more still remains unknown and I can only hope that those three will pass.

 

I actually don’t really care that much about my grades, so long as I pass the subjects. But what I got was… lower than what I had estimated.

 

I cannot really blame anyone except myself, because I brought this to myself. I didn’t study as hard as I had to. I had the determination and I thought what I did was enough. No, it was not enough. It was never enough. I had to do more, more, more and I didn’t.

 

this laziness, this… thing… it won’t shake off no matter how bad I want it to. I would tell myself over and over and over again that this would be the last time I screw everything up and that I would be more hardworking but instead it came back. it always does. It finds a way to creep in and affect me in every aspect of my life and I just do not have the power to resist it.

 

Well, no more.

 

This would be the last time. This is the last time that I mess things up. I have to have my goals and I have set them and I have to see them through. Maybe the laziness gene is in me, I don’t know. But then again I think it’s in everybody. So if they have the power to throw it away and shake it off; then I should be able to do it, too. I just haven’t been… focused and determined enough.

 

I was always the kind of person who manages to avoid bad things (school wise; grade wise). I think now, which what I had done, it’s catching up to me and unless I do things right from now on, I just won’t be able to do it at all.