Waves

when i had your attention and your love and your devotion, and when you proclaimed it to me several times a day, not once did i doubt it and i had, what i can safely say, unwanted emotions. what was it and how did it got there in my heart and why did i feel the way that i felt, i cannot say for sure. because of the simple reason of: i don’t know.

 

and that week was the best week i’ve ever had in a very long time.

 

and now i think that i’m always looking for something that isn’t there. now that we’re here in this place i yearn for that week to come back, and when it was there i felt… vanilla. ish.

 

see, i’m always looking for something that isn’t there.

 

my feelings for you would come in waves.

one minute i would be filled with the quiet contentment that i got you in my life.

the next, i long for you more than ever.

the next, it would go back to being content just having you.

the next, i miss you more than ever.

the next, i just want to hold your hand.

the next, i want to kiss you etc.

 

they come in waves, is all i’m trying to say.

And It’s Gone

No more self questioning. At least not for the past few days.

I am who I am.

No more insecurities. They’re gone and I do hope they’re gone for good.

No more of that. I know better now.

maybe this feeling will fade away,
maybe the bad stuff would be back.

But for tonight, and for yesterday, and for the days before that.
I feel OK with myself. I feel like I own up to who I am.

*nods*

This is Home

If you’re asked about what home is, I’m sure you’d come up with many different answers.

This is Home project is a newly launched project about the definition of home; by words and pictures or collages. A brilliant friend of mine, in collaboration with her editor, just launched this project a few days ago. A lot of people have been participating and I’ve seen very, very good entries as well.

It’s a shitty time we’re living in, but projects like this reminds me that there’s something more out there than… I don’t know, all the bad things we’ve been exposed to for so long.

Time Phase

Some nights are lonelier than the others.

Some days are harder to get through.

There are times in my life where what I need, what I long for the most, is to get a hug. To lean on his chest  and to circle my arms around his waist. To pull down the sheet, lay next to him and listen to him breathe. And do nothing else. Absolutely nothing.

Those days are hard. I’d feel so alone and I don’t know what to do-because I couldn’t just shock people out of their core and hug them-and I’d end up burying it down, as deep as I can just so I don’t have to deal with the way I felt. But it comes back. It would always find its way back and it would leave me craving it more. Twice as much. Then thrice. It goes on and on and on…

I like to imagine that you’re here with me
We’d hold hands and walk. wherever you want. wherever I want. whenever we feel like it
You’d slump your head on my shoulder and instinctively, I’d tug the lose end of your hair and ask you anything.
Rough day?
What’s wrong?
You OK?
You would sigh or stay silent.
I would stay silent.
Then you’d talk. and I’d listen

Some days I would crave you so badly.
Some days I sleep with your shirt lying next to me.
Some days just hearing your voice, your phantom touches, they are not enough.

I like to imagine you’re here with me
Crooked smile and scowling eyebrows whenever I say something weird
the mellow sound of your voice when you whisper in my ear
the smell of your body soap and shampoo all over me in the morning

Do you not get what I’m trying to say to you?
Can you not see it in my eyes-the pain that would be there every time I had to drop you at the airport
the joy and the sparkle whenever you’re around
the need of making love to you

Do you not get that I’m trying to say I love you?

Over Exposed

Do you think people who are blogging or LJing or Facebooking of Twitting or whatever you wanna call it are somewhat over exposed?

 

I read an interview article today and it kinda threw me aback in terms of technology. I have blogs, Facebook, Twitter… and what is the point?

 

I was on an internet hiatus for about a week for my final term. I do admit that it’s insanely hard for me to not go to my laptop at night like I used to and just sit here for hours  surfing around. But once I got used to it, it’s actually not so bad. When I could actually open the internet again, I found myself not wanting to and telling myself that “that stuff can wait”. I’ve been so occupied by it that I didn’t realise how-I don’t know how to say this-boxed? my life really is.

 

It’s crazy and I have everything in my head but I’m not doing too good with words today so I can’t really say it, but… yeah.

Interview: Part 7

Q: And how was today?
A: It was okay… I didn’t expect anything so, I don’t know what to say. Class was too crowded and too small for holding up 80 people. Did nothing at lab. Went home quite early. Took a shower because it was so damn hot today… And that’s besically it. I actually have to look things up on the internet for my assignments but I think I can do that tomorrow. Or later tonight.

Q: So it wasn’t… bad?
A: In a way, yes. But definitely not, like, panic-attack bad.

Q: Are you nervous for tomorrow?
A: Not really. But, you know what… I think when the time comes when I will be busy, then I will have a semi nervous breakdown. Maybe.
Q: And why is that?
A: Just because. It’s what I’ve always do. Get under pressure, and I’ll have a breakdown. Get into a traumatic experience over and over again and I’ll have panic attacks. That’s just me. Although I really wish I won’t have a nervous breakdown, I have a feeling. It’s looming somewhere.
Q: Do you plan to do something about it?
A: What can I do, exactly?
Q: Well, you can take some medications for that. If it strikes.
A: I don’t think I’m going to do that.

Q: So for the time being, can I safely say that we’re clear of danger?
A: For the time being, yes.
Q: Well you call me if anything happens.
A: Will do.

Interview: Part 6

Q: My God!

A: Yeah, right.

Q: I thought you’d never come back.

A: I’m in the middle of a panic attack right now.

 

Q: Sit down. Tell me what happened?

A: I had it when I was at Starbucks and then it kinda went away for a while… Just now I realized it’s came back.

 

Q: Describe them for me.

A: My throat feels like it’s swelling up to the point where it’s almost closing down. I cannot breathe normally. I have to take a huge amount of oxygen from my mouth. My heartbeat went kinky for a while and then I just felt like I could’ve gone down crying.

Q: Okay, well… that sounds like a panic attack to me.

A: You’re telling me!

Q: Why do you have this?

A: College. What else?

 

Q: Hah! God, I have no idea where you are right now. We have a lot of catching up to do.

A: Let me just describe myself to you right now, okay? I’m LOST.

Q: Start from the very beginning.

A: I read the past transcripts and it just shows that basically I have gone nowhere. I’m still as lost, still as complicated, still a total wreck. I thought I’d grown past that but in a way, I think I’m more childish now than I was then. I still have the same dream and I still do not know what I should do. Oh, God, it’s coming again…

Q: Try to breathe…

 

A: I am absolutely freaked out about tomorrow and I don’t know why. Going to college is like facing King Kong for me. It’s horrifying.

Q: Does it have something to do with the fact that you don’t like the major?

A: Yes. Thank you very much! That was spot on!

Q: Any traumatic experiences?

A: Well just that the start of the college begins with terror, so…

Q: How’s that?

A: Well they terrorize you to the point that you apologize to the seniors no matter what. Because if you do it wrong, you’re wrong; and if you do it right, you’re still wrong. There’s always something to blame. And I get the point that they want us to be strong-minded and stand up for what’s right but I just don’t think that’s the way to begin anything. With terror. That’s, like, the worst, crappiest way to start. And to me, it still haunts me to this day. Other people get over it and move on quickly but I don’t. Every time, that experience is looming and I somehow think that it can happen again…………. Do you think I have a mental condition?

Q: I wouldn’t know. From my point of view, you do need a little help but there’s nothing so serious about it. Let’s get back to the panic attack.

A: Oh, right.

Q: How do you deal with all of them? I take it you’ve had more than one?

A: Yes. Usually I calm myself by talking myself out of it just see it as “a day” instead of seeing it as… something full of obstacles.

Q: And that would work?

A: In a short term, yes. Then I have to do it all over again……….. I gotta tell you, I… some of the stuff I said to you, I didn’t even remember them. It’s like… “poof!” they’re all gone. That’s really something else.

 

Q: What do you think is the bast way to end the panic attacks permanently?

A: …. I don’t know. Get good grades? Oh, f%$# that’s the last thing I wanna talk about or think about! Anyways. I suppose all that jazz and get more friends.

Q: You mean you still don’t have many friends?

A: Nope.

Q: And why is that?

A: Ummmmmm……… Difference of opinion? Difference of interest? I’m always arguing with them and that would lead to self doubt, and I fancy the stuff they don’t. I usually don’t like the stuff they love… You know what, it’s making me sick. Like, seriously, I’m about to vomit right now. I think I’m going to throw up.

…

…

…

…

 

Q: Better?

A: Yeah. I didn’t actually vomit, though. It was just saliva.

…

…

 

Q: Do something for me.

A: Yeah?

Q: I think this might help you to handle the problems.

A: Ok…

Q: I want you to buy a recorder. Whenever you feel like you’re in a situation where you want to talk the whole thing out, you record it. You say everything you want to say and don’t hold back. Just let it all out.

A: I’ve actually been thinking about that.

Q: Well, good! Now you have a reason to buy it, and I say you buy it. For your sake. IF, in the future, you decide you want to go to another psychiartrist, you give them the recording so they can listen to it. I know you don’t feel comfortable talking directly to them so that’s another way of explaining yourself.

A: Yep. Sounds good.
Q: I really think that you should start a real teraphy. Not just with me.

A: …

Q: See what kind of explanation they can come up with you, and whether you agree with them or not, that’s up for our grabs later on. You can come back here and discuss the session with me if you want to.

A: Do you have any recommendation at all?

Q: No, not in this city, I don’t. But try it out. If you’re not comfortable with seeing another shrink, then do the tapes first. Bring them to me and we’ll go from there. I suggest you buy the recorder ASAP. Because this is not healthy.

A: OK.

 

Q: What are you feeling right now? What’s going on in your head? Right now?

A: This afternoon when I had a panic attack, I don’t think my facial expression changed. It’s more like… what I felt. I knew my heart just went-whoosh!-you know. It just jumped. And I knew I couldn’t breathe right. But my face remains the same.

Q: Well… do you think you’re ready for tomorrow?

A: Hell no! But what else can I do? I have to tough it up.

 

Q: Come back tomorrow. I wanna know how you feel after the first day.

A: Okay.

The “What Should I Do?” Handguide to Kids. Can I Have One?

The fact that one of my parents is still doing the “silence treatment” to me and my sisters and the other one got caught in the middle really make me want to scream.

 

What The FUCK do you want me to do?

 

Really, to be honest with you, I don’t believe in the Parent philosophy that I was told.

1. Parents are always right
2. If in such occasion they are wrong, see what’s written in number 1.

 

That’s just total BS for me.

 

We have apologized, and now that the treatment’s still going on, I am beginning to despise this shit. I mean, WTH dude? Come on! Grow up and stop acting like such a frickin child!

 

I know my dad loves me. When we went to Bali I was dozing off in the front seat (he’s driving) and I felt his hand stroking my cheek. Before the fight “broke out” that is. The argument also broke out in Bali; thereby making it the worst holiday I’ve ever had.

 

But now that we have already apologized for what we did (which, honest, I still don’t know that we did anything wrong. It’s just his perceptive, I think. But… we apologized anyways) and we try to be casual and he tries to act like we don’t exist.

 

And my mom is stuck in the middle.

 

WTF do you want me to do? PLEASE tell me. And then get over it.

Random

It all started with a glance. A single, innocent flick of the eyes when I saw the front door opened.
I took a puff.

She dragged the black plastic bag and put it near the trash can. Then went inside.
I took another puff.

It looked neither big nor small. Medium. Could have easily fit.
I threw my now small cigarette to the cement and stepped on it. Went across.
Opened the can.
Put it in.
I went back to my porch and lit another one. My last one, which forced me to make a mental note to buy another pack after school tomorrow.
I took a puff.
The light was on, I saw.
I saw her figure looking out the window.

I took another puff.
         ***
 
Another day at school.
Another boring day.
Another set of notes. reports. papers. handouts.
English. Geography. Math. Health.
The only thing that got me through was the thought of buying that cigarette.

         ***

“Uh, can I get a pack of that one, please?”
He took it down and handed it to me. “$2.”
I gave him the money, thanked him, and walked out the door.

         ***

Nighttime.
“Shouldn’t you be in bed?”
“No.”
“What time is it?”
“11.”
“Then you should be in bed.”
“No.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m not sleepy.”
“Are you going to smoke again?”
“That’s the plan.”
“You know it’s not good, right?”
“You do it.”
“Yeah, but I’m already ruined. I don’t want y…”
“Too late.”
I walked out the door.
I took a puff.
And another puff.
…
And another.
…
And another puff.
…
I waited.
…
…
…
I heard the creak of the door hinges.
My eyes flickered.
She took it out. She put it right next to the can. She went inside.

I waited.
Then put off my cigarette.
Then walked over.
Put it inside.
Closed it.
Went back. Lit another one.
…
I took a puff.
…
…
And another
…
And she lit the lights again.
Peeked out.
Switched it off.

I took a puff.
…
…
Went inside.

         ***

Random Ramblings

•  It’s Friday. Good Friday.
• No DVD yet.
• I should be working on my reports. Probably will do it later.
• Still happy, although the amount has decreased a bit.
• Slept with a smile on my face last night. That never happened before. Kinda freaky, but cute.
• Have to go to Church. Is rather annoyed with the scripture being sung. They do this every year and to what point, I have no idea. Other than making people sleepy.
• It’s sunny outside. A little bit breezy.
• Miss Amy, as usual. Weird thing is that I’m not carried away by agony lately when thinking of her.
• Am not used to being happy this long, so I consider this stage is somewhat strange. I like it… but strange nonetheless.
•  Is confused with the real me. Which one is it? The dark and twisty one? Or this new, hyped, happy-all-the-way-person?
• Can’t wait for the DVD. Is probably going to be here some time next week. Hopefully so.
• Swear by God that if I go to the mall, I’ll check out the DVD. It doesn’t hurt to have two or three.
• Is happy. Mood swings is occuring. If I remember the DVD, it’s sad for about a split nanosecond; it’s that impatient waiting. But then? Like a lampswitch-happy again.
• Feel like smiling all the time. Noticed consciously that I am… different.
• Have to get a 2nd opinion from another shrink. Is terrified to do so. 
• That’s about it, I think.