All the People of the Universe

I was reading some entries from blogsecret on Tumblr (which, by the way, is bloody everywhere, eh? I might just get one) and I had an “Oh God” moment.

I know people’s lives are screw-ups. I get that it’s hard to live and it’s a constant struggle to… go on and go about every single day. But then I get my friends and some of them would make me forget about that. Some of them would make me think “Oh uni is total shit.” or “they’re so lucky, it doesn’t seem like they have problems at all”. In a way because I’m not exposed or because I don’t really have such experience, I wave it by and I tend to forget that; life is hard and that people are constantly fighting to live, to survive. I would think that my problems are on catastrophic level and everyone else, they got it easy.

Well, not really.

What I’m trying to say is that those secrets, those entries made by strangers.
Some I can relate to.
Some I totally get.
Some I laughed at as I read it. I’m sorry if it’s not meant to be funny but from my quirky point of view, they are.
For some the only proper response I could come up with is “Ooookay.”
Some make me want to cry. Because, shit man… you got through it.

I want to hug all of you, the self-hating people. Just because I want you all to know that there’s at least someone who cares about you. Just because I know how it feels like and it fucking sucks.

I want to… I don’t know, make you feel better. I know this may sound totally cheesy and “wtf” worthy but believe me if there’s any way I can do it, I would.

I want you all who misses their ex or their bf/gf, the people who want their crush to know how they feel toward them to get whatever it is you want to get, whoever it is you want to have. They have no idea how lucky they are to have people like you caring about them from afar. I’m telling you, they have no idea.

You are worthy of someone loving you and you deserve all the love you can get; the morning kisses and the comforting hugs, the silent glances of support and private jokes, the one whose hand you instantly reach for in panic or in joy. I can only pray that you get the person you’re meant to be spending the rest of your life with. Yes, I still believe in that.

Life is just fucked up and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry that it ruined everything for you and your beautiful self. It happened to me, too and I’m still recovering. I’m still mending the pieces back together. I don’t think we can fully recover but never, ever, forget that you are strong for having the ability to move on from whatever it is that happened to you.

It will be okay.
It will be okay.
I promise, it will.

I love you.

The Words (Finally) Has Meaning

How exactly do you know that you’re a grown-up?
I don’t really know how to pinpoint it but right now, I’m having one of those moments. The “this is happening right now because you are mature” moment.

Today is about a phrase you’ve heard probably thousands of times.

They used to mean nothing to you. If you’re in some deep shit and you can’t see how you’re going to wiggle yourself out of this one, and people come by and in their own way, pat your shoulder and tell you “things are going to be OK”, your usual response would be a scoff and a “how would you know?” Because, really… How would they?

Of the many many revelations I’ve had for the past… Say, couple of months, this one hit a much deeper chord. Because I’ve been in both situations before, the advicer and the one given an advice to (advicee?) My form of support for you, my friends in need, generally would be to leave you alone.

I know from experience that if I say “oh things are going to be OK” it’s like giving you smoke; useless stuff. And I can’t really reach over and hug you real tight and let you stay there for as long as you want to, as long as you need. Because I get tired easy and since I have RLS I tend to fidget involuntarily when my legs are not fidgeting, so I don’t want to make you uncomfortable leaning onto me. And because I don’t have the courage to do so. Most people who broke down before my eyes are the ones I’m not close with, and I don’t want them to think of me “dude, what the hell?” If I hug them.

That leaves me with shoulder pats.
Or leaving you alone and praying for you. But, see, even the last one’s troublesome. Because I’d pray and what happened would be the opposite of that. It’s a long, dysfunctional, sometimes quirky relationship I have with God.
Don’t ask me to explain, because all I can give you is a shrug and an “I don’t know.”

So. I would leave you alone and say nothing. Maybe because I know that when you’re in such…occasion, you’d want privacy.

I’m babbling.

Anyways.
My point is that now that I’ve gone through some stuff, I believe that. I believe things will be OK in the end. I was watching CSI: Miami and that Caine guy (whose speaking tone I dislike) told this kid “things are going to be OK. I know it doesn’t seem that way right now, but it will.”

It has been in my head ever since I heard it.
I used to wave my hand and say “yeah. Right.”
Now I get it. Now I say “I know.” And in the end, when the shit is over and you look back on it, you’d smile. Because of the simple fact that it’s the truth.