Thought Provoking-Random Soliloquy

I’m used to growing up and not wanting, not expecting anything from my parents. Because it would either end in disappointment or… No. No or. Because it would end in disappointment.

I went to my kindergarten classes alone. I watched other kids get giddy every Saturday because either their mom or their dad or both of them would pick them up and they’d all buy Coke or fried tofu or tempeh or magazines and they’d look like… Family. And I had to wait until 2 pm, if not later, almost every weekend, if not every day.
I didn’t make a big deal out of it. It didn’t seem like it’s a big deal to me. But maybe it is. Was. Is. I don’t know.

I went to Semarang alone; in a plane. Which was good because it made me feel like an adult but now looking back… I’m not so sure. Dad was injured but she could’ve gone with me. Or could’ve just tell them that I can’t go. Or whatever. They were playing this twisted mind game and I was stuck in the middle of it. And I didn’t know.

My memory of joking around with my father would always bring me back to that point when I was little and we were in an exhibition. The yelling that came all of a sudden; the terror I felt; the shame and the humiliation and the need for someone to… get me out of there because I couldn’t get myself out of there because I didn’t know how-what would you expect a 6 year-old to know about those big exhibition halls and where to go-so I was stuck there. My little self crying and wailing from the slap that I got and the feeling of utter fucked and the terror and the intimidation. And I could pick him peeking at me from a distance. There was a lady who came over and she offered me to come with her but I just shook my head and say “no” repeatedly. How did I get to go back to the house again? Don’t ask me.

My memory of defending my cousin is tainted with another humiliation that I got in front of the whole family. It was my fucking rainbow toy. It was fucking mine.
But then again; what do you expect a 7 year-old to know about self defense? You were taught that “I bought this thing for you and I have the right to have it as long as I want and to give it to whoever I want.” So I went to the corner when he told me to and I stood there. And he yelled. And everybody’s staring.

And you learn not to lean on your parents anymore. Or to joke with them. Or to tell them stuff.

As you grow older you realize that you need people to fall back on. And you have your friends for it. Not your parents. Never your parents.

Most of the time; you have to pull yourself together and be strong and not whine about every little thing. Because you’re older now and with it comes more responsibility and if you don’t commit yourself to it then… What’s the point?

Now, in the span of days, you realize that you lean on your friends in more ways than you’d ever known. And that you lean on yourself more and more, and this is called maturity. A lot of people grasped this younger than you or older than you but for you… For me… It just happened.