One of Those Days When I Wish I Could be Different

I want to tell myself to stop being so insecure. I want to tell my mind to stop thinking just for a minute and let me have a moment of silence on my own. I want to be able to say to myself “you’re good enough”; some days I would say it because I know it to be true, some days others would do it for me, some days I would need to remind myself why I was able to say it.

I don’t want people to be awkward around me; I don’t want to be awkward around people. I’d like to think that if we resolved to arguing, I could stand up for myself or just silently walk out the door and take a walk. But when the time comes, why do I get the feeling that I would either yell or cry and you would either yell or cry and then eventually walk out the door.

I want to be better and I’ll take my chances and frankly, I don’t give a fuck if it’s a double edged sword for me. It isn’t right, this. My not being able to say anything because for me it seemed like… Whatever when the truth is I don’t know what to say. If I were there then maybe it would be different. Or not. Maybe it would be the same; you’d tell me stuff and I’d just sit there and nod like those head bobbing car accessories.

Then as I’m writing this I feel like I see everything with my perspective and that maybe for you it’s different, maybe you don’t feel that way.

I’m losing my point. It’s lost somewhere between my conscience and my thoughts and my heart. They’re all speaking at the same time and I’m trying to listen to it and let it all out but they’re all mixed together now. The point is: I don’t ever want you to feel like you can’t tell me stuff. Even though most of the time my only response would be silence.

After everything. Everything.
The feeling of inadequacy is still here.
It’s the silence. The silence that I can’t break; not because I don’t want to but because I’m not capable of it.