House. Not Home

I don’t feel at home when I’m in my house.

 

It’s not a new feeling, but I haven’t been feeling this for quite a while now, and that makes it odd.
Everyone seems like they’re running away.
My sisters don’t want to get out from their room when dad’s already home.
Dad comes home late most of the time, and is gone on the weekends.
Mom is always on the phone.
Me here in front of the laptop thinking about what I should do but don’t actually want to.

 

It’s… weird. To be feeling this after all this time. I feel like I’m running with no direction at all.

The “What Should I Do?” Handguide to Kids. Can I Have One?

The fact that one of my parents is still doing the “silence treatment” to me and my sisters and the other one got caught in the middle really make me want to scream.

 

What The FUCK do you want me to do?

 

Really, to be honest with you, I don’t believe in the Parent philosophy that I was told.

1. Parents are always right
2. If in such occasion they are wrong, see what’s written in number 1.

 

That’s just total BS for me.

 

We have apologized, and now that the treatment’s still going on, I am beginning to despise this shit. I mean, WTH dude? Come on! Grow up and stop acting like such a frickin child!

 

I know my dad loves me. When we went to Bali I was dozing off in the front seat (he’s driving) and I felt his hand stroking my cheek. Before the fight “broke out” that is. The argument also broke out in Bali; thereby making it the worst holiday I’ve ever had.

 

But now that we have already apologized for what we did (which, honest, I still don’t know that we did anything wrong. It’s just his perceptive, I think. But… we apologized anyways) and we try to be casual and he tries to act like we don’t exist.

 

And my mom is stuck in the middle.

 

WTF do you want me to do? PLEASE tell me. And then get over it.

9 Minutes To Tomorrow

I have been feeling bloggish lately, so even though I think it’s kinda odd that I’m writing here three days in a row all of a sudden… I do it anyways

 

I have so many things in my mind right now that I don’t even know where to start. Today was a relaxing day and I am glad for that. The relief had come and my burden is not as big as it was. The problem still lingers in the air, but I have already let it go. If my dad doesn’t want to or still has it, then that’s his problem and not mine. I may sound selfish and I know that I sound selfish there, but I don’t care. I tried and I explained my point of view and from what he said yesterday, the main reason he is angry is with my mom’s sister and the rest of the family that tagged along with us to Bali.

 

I honestly do not know what made me cry. I guess the thought that I had disappoint once again. But even that I’m not so sure.

 

I feel… now… the drive of making things go for the better. For me a new year without a resolution makes you wander around and not knowing what you should do. Resolution for me means goals. And now as the days pass by I still remember those resolutions and I want to change the way I approach my studies. It has been hell for me, I think the worst I’ve ever been in and I don’t want that to happen again. So far so good. I’m doing okay. I cannot wait to go to class tomorrow; even though they’re boring subjects and I don’t really like studying them; Math and Civics. But I have been with disliking my subjects all my life, so I consider this as “normal”. For now I have to put off the thought of doing something I love and studying the things that matter to me, because for now I have to finish this.

 

The fire is still in me. And I pray that it will last forever. That I am not changed only for a short period of time, but forever.

 

Also, I have chased the idea of having a family of my own for so long.
Yesterday I sort of came to terms with it and said to myself that maybe I won’t be as lucky to have them.
So I think by saying that, I’m letting it go; so that if it doesn’t happen, I won’t be so devastated by it.

I don’t know how to explain it; it’s kinda confusing to me. But, yeah, I guess I have given it all up to God. So whatever He has planned for me…

It’s still hard, and I still have this aching feeling every time I remember it. But maybe… I don’t know. Maybe there’s something better.

In The Corner

I learn that if you cry for a long time your breath gets short and you speak like you’re a stutter.

I learn that if you cry long enough and then you go straight to bed you will wake up with swollen eyes.

I learn that if you cry your lower eyelids will swell, and that the regular tears in your eyes will dry out that your eyes feels dry and you have to blink more than the regular times when you’re not crying.

I learn that you can still laugh when you cry.

I learn that sometimes, when you’re crying, you get to thinking and you can’t even remember why you cried. Or you don’t know why the tears came in the first place.

I learn that after you cry, a wave of relief will come; for all the sadness and frustration you’ve been feeling is now no longer bothering you. Even if it still does, it’s most likely not as burdening as it used to.
***
Today was a day of awakening for me. I was driving from university and I saw someone who arranges car parks on the street. He was doing nothing. Absolutely nothing. He was just leaning by the wall of a building; his stomach protruding out like it was a statement, and he was just fixing his belt and staring out. And even at such distance, such angle, I could see that he was staring into nothing. He was doing, like I said, absolutely nothing.
I learn… that if I won’t be serious about my future, that I could end up like that. or maybe worse.
And that is a scary, scary thought.
I’ve always known that you have to work at something you truly want.

 
But today is the day when I finally realized  that you have to work at something you want in life.
***
Here are the things I can do:
1. Shoot myself
2. Stab myself with a kitchen knife
3. Slit my wrist
4. OD
5. Ran away
6. Smoke
7. Go to sleep and face reality and fix everything that I have screwed up
 
And by God, I choose the last.

Beat Me Down to the Ground and Bury Me Alive

The grades from my uni subjects are out and it is not what I expected it. Three more still remains unknown and I can only hope that those three will pass.

 

I actually don’t really care that much about my grades, so long as I pass the subjects. But what I got was… lower than what I had estimated.

 

I cannot really blame anyone except myself, because I brought this to myself. I didn’t study as hard as I had to. I had the determination and I thought what I did was enough. No, it was not enough. It was never enough. I had to do more, more, more and I didn’t.

 

this laziness, this… thing… it won’t shake off no matter how bad I want it to. I would tell myself over and over and over again that this would be the last time I screw everything up and that I would be more hardworking but instead it came back. it always does. It finds a way to creep in and affect me in every aspect of my life and I just do not have the power to resist it.

 

Well, no more.

 

This would be the last time. This is the last time that I mess things up. I have to have my goals and I have set them and I have to see them through. Maybe the laziness gene is in me, I don’t know. But then again I think it’s in everybody. So if they have the power to throw it away and shake it off; then I should be able to do it, too. I just haven’t been… focused and determined enough.

 

I was always the kind of person who manages to avoid bad things (school wise; grade wise). I think now, which what I had done, it’s catching up to me and unless I do things right from now on, I just won’t be able to do it at all.

The Meaning of Resolution

I’m actually really lousy when it comes to keeping resolutions. But I figure that starting from this year, I have to do it. I have spent so many years wandering around not knowing what is it that I’m supposed to do; and I think that’s because I don’t really have resolutions; so I don’t really have something that I need to achieve; a purpose.

 

So this year my resolutions are:
1. lose weight
2. Get at least 3.0 GPA in every semester

 

these are the two things in my life that I need to address ASAP. Otherwise I’m just going to amount to nothing; and that is the last thing I wanna be. I know that it’s gong to be hard and long, but it really has to be done. Plus, I might want to cut back on the bitching and moaning and complaining while I’m studying. I know my rhythm, I know what I have to do, so I’ll just have to shut up and do it. And every time I get panic attacks I have to calm myself down and not depend on Joe too much.

 

If I can keep all of those things up… it would be a very interesting year indeed.