I Give Up

You know those things you think, one day would happen to you? And you keep hoping that it will come true, despite the obvious, and then one day you just realise and went, “Who am I kidding?”

 

Maybe… there are some things that are not meant to happen. No matter how badly you want it, how badly you crave it, how, every time, you shift your “I can’t” to “I can and I will”, and then you have doubts about it again… Some things are meant to be. Or not meant to be.

 

I would lie, to say that I don’t care anymore. That I don’t give a damn anymore. Because the truth is that I do. I still do, and I will always do. But, certain circumstances prevented me from doing so, because in doing so I’ll just end up hurting myself again. The thought of it is so close, but yet the realization is so far fetched from me, and I cannot reach it. I cannot tell myself not to care anymore, because my attention would shift there every second, every minute. Along with the pain that follows.

 

So, Mom, with your Oscar-winning act, and Dad, with your gloating and your stories.

You win.

And You’re Here With Me

I sigh heavily and closed the program. The blinking of a tiny little vertical strip does little to help me get the word to write it out. I have everything arranged in my brain, but I just couldn’t get them out and get it done with.

And the deadline’s in three hours.

 

I want to go by the beach and take a walk. But there’s no beach here in the city. I want to find inspiration by drinking beer. Or Coke. Or something. And there’s nothing but tap water in the apartment. I feel like going out and get some fresh air and clear my head. Which would end up with my agent calling and yelling at the phone, because if I do that, then I certainly will spend all the three hours walking and doing nothing. I feel like screaming. Which is just what I can do.

 

I put my hands on my face and let out a groan, then exhale a huge, sharp breath.

 

“What’s wrong, Daddy?”
I look up. “Hey, Hayes.”
He stood there, almost glued to the wall with his big blue eyes staring at me with curiosity.
“Come here.” I waved my hand and smiled.
“Are you OK?” he asked.
“I’m fine, Champ. Just… tired, is all.”
“So, you’re not going to read me a bedtime story?”

“Hayes?” she called. “What did I say?”
“I know, I know,” he leaned in on me and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “G’ nite, Daddy.”
“Good night, Champ.”

 

With one swift motion, he slipped out of my arms and went running to the bedroom with his mom. I chuckled lightly and shook my head, still coming to term with this realization that I’m now married with kids.

 

“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“How’s it going so far?” she asked, standing right behind me and noticed that my laptop is now closed. “You scared Hayes for a minute there.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
“Not going so well?”
I looked up and tilted my head back, my eyes landed right on her smiling lips and those clear blue eyes, and let out a grim smile. “Don’t think so.”
“You’ll finish it. Don’t worry.” she said with her reassuring voice, and putting her hand on my shoulder.
“I hope so, or Ken’s gonna freak.” I look into her eyes again, finding comfort and strength at the same time. “Thank you.”

 

I open the laptop once again, and soon afterward that blinking, vertical strip was waiting for me.
I took a deep breath. And I began to write.

Memory Jog

I was on my way home from campus when I saw her. Someone like her, more specifically. I was behind her, and everything about this girl is the same. Except for the face. The way she walks, her height, her hair, her posture. It was all there.

 

My breath got caught for a moment, and I didn’t realise until this time how much I’ve missed her. We’ll never be together, but she is my first love. She taught me in the meanest way possible that love is oh-so-painful and that love sometimes means letting someone go. She was the one whom I’d die for. She made me fall head over heels and she doesn’t even know what she had done to me. Maybe I’m a pervert and a joke for the way I acted to impress her, but I was naive then. I thought of love foolishly then, and I honestly don’t know how to make her close to me. Love is forbidden beyond reason and all I ever wanted was for her to be my best friend. I cannot pinpoint when exactly is it that I have become good friends with her, but eventually we became close, and I couldn’t be happier for myself.

 

Now time passes by and another love has filled my heart, and to her I say thank you for teaching me so many things.

 

As I observe this girl-look alike from behind, it struck me how much actually I still have feelings for her, more or less. She is my first love, and I don’t think, however long time passes by, my feelings for her will ever be completely vanish. She’ll always have a special place in my heart.

Update

It’s been quite a while since I write on this blog, and I thought I should update it.

See the reason why I don’t write as much anymore is because I have LiveJournal now. Turns out I’m kinda addicted to that site so I’ve been spending most of my time there and been regularly updating it with what had happened to me, my daily experiences and such.

 

At first I didn’t actually want to post anything, coz I figure I have my blog, and, well, if I post there than what would become of this? My recently moved blog? Balancing the two is quite a work, I tell you, and it’s not easy. Look what had happened now, my blog is kinda neglected. I like this blog’s design more, though, that has to be said. I had to settle for flowery stuff with my LJ… not that it’s not nice or anything, it’s just not really my style. I know I can change the banner and such, but I still have to learn, right? Besides I want my banner to be nice and personal. Not… like an Amy Adams or an Enchanted banner, no matter how much I adore those two.

 

So from now on I think I’ve established what I want to write here, and what I should write in LJ. LJ is going to be… more like a day-to-day basis, while my blog is going to be of stories and of life lessons and of letters. Or just my random rambling at times, maybe. I just need to set the line so I can determine what to write and where to write it. And I need to write this down coz, well… I dunno why, actually. I just miss writing in my blog and today’s one of those days when I feel like writing about every single thing. Like my mind won’t shut up, and I’ve had this period for a while now.