In The Name of The Father, and of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit…

And then what?

 

Essentially, that is the continuous feeling I have every time I pray. What? What is it that I want to say? What should I say? Should I ramble in English, or should I just say it in Indonesian? That is, believe it or not, a big thing, because I’ve so gotten used to using English and sometimes I feel like my own language is incapable of describing how I feel. Twisted much? Guess so.

 

My closeness to God reached a high when I was in high school. Supported by the surrounding of my school and my teacher, and that urge for me to change for the better, I became close to God. But now it has, once again, got off the peak. I think I was too judgemental with the whole God issue (meaning: people who got a divorce will certainly go to hell), and there was a part of me that wasn’t comfortable with it. I realize that, I was being cocky, in a way. Like, I think of myself as so high and mighty and I look down on others. I thought I was a saint or something and people should do the right thing and live their life right. Otherwise they’re going straight to hell.

 

Or do they?
Those thoughts would be accompanied by, “Who the heck do I think I am,l judging left and right?” I was not comfortable with my speedy brain, concluding everything based on the surface, and I was eager to settle into “yes, I’m a Christian and I’m rather spiritual, but I don’t want to judge you” lifestyle.

 

These days it’s hard. Difficult. I felt like I was so far away from God, and I knew I needed something to bring me back closer to Him. So I bought Purpose Driven Life; but that book turned out to be something really stupid, IMHO, so I didn’t continue. It taught me a thing or two, but most of the time, it’s… well, not my taste.

 

Praying is one thing that I’m struggling at, too. I don’t want to be formal with God, as He is, according to people, “my bud.” I want to talk to Him like I talk to Joe, but every time I do that, I get nightmares or weird dreams. What am I supposed to do? Sometimes even talking to Him feels like a clogged well. I cannot express how I really feel. In my madness, in my mania, in my depression, I know I want to scream because I feel like it. I feel like screaming might take it all away and make me feel better as opposed to sobbing for hours. I feel like screaming to God, “Help me! I’m dying here and I need your help! I cannot do this by myself and I need someone’s presence, but there’s no one! I need You to extend Your arm and lift me up but you are not there!”

 

Am I suppose to cry out once I make a cross? Do I, for the sake of others, remain silent and pretend like I’m civilised while inside, I’m about to burst from pain? What should I do? How shoud I say it?

 

After making a cross sign, I’d stay silent until eventually the words come out. Not everything, but at least, I keep contact.