Banana Milkshake Toast!

Finally, after about a year of trying to find a good blogsite, I decided to do it. I have a Friendster blog, and it’s just seemed like a pointless idea to have another blog without removing the entire previous entries from my Friendster Blogs. The thing is, I didn’t know how to do it, so the moving process was halted.

But with this entry, I can officially declare that my blog has successfully moved! Yay! Every single one of my previous posts are here on WordPress (thanks to ydoea for his answer on someone’s question about moving their blog entries as well), so I’m happy for that. Some of the posts are in Indonesian, considering I am one, and there are days when my tongue language is more adequate to describe how I feel.

This blog is… mainly about me and how I feel about certain subjects. So, I’m not going to write anything on the Presidential election unless it really moves me. The subjects linked to what I write are, surely, the ones which are disturbing enough for me (in a good way or bad way) that I just have to write about them. And I also view writing blogs as a therapy for me. Because at times where I just can’t handle it, at least writing about it make me feel like I’ve voiced it all out loud. It helps; makes me feel a tiny bit better.

SO…
To celebrate the moving of my blog (which happened successfully!), have a banana milkshake toast!
PS: OK, I chose banana milkshake only because it’s appropriate with my current theme. I think this theme is more suitable for recipes and stuff, right? But whatever… I liked it. Very personal.

                          *clink!*

LIVE From Kodak Theater, It’s The 80th Annual Academy Award…

 The words that can make you feel like a part of the glamorous crowd… LOL. Well, at least to me it felt that way.

There’re many not-so-kind reviews about the Oscars this year. 10 days before the schedule, The Academy announced to the whole world that, yes, there will be an Oscar after all. I think everyone in Hollywood (who’s suppose to attend if the event do go on) went into panic attack; specially the performers. Gowns! Suits! Jewels! Handbags! Makeup!… Songs! Oh, almost forgot… Speech!

The build up had me going, (what with Amy is going to perform and all… I have to be anxious for it, you see)… long enough until I found out that they’re not going to air the live telecast here. I was pissed beyond reason, but tried to hide it. It went well, the hiding-my-annoyance-part. The impact, though, I had a big migraine attack.

After sleeping for some hours (when I woke up I just shook the migraine away. It still lingered on for a few more hours, but, feh… I’ve been dealing with it since I was a kid), my eyes jolted open and in my mind popped one thing (you know when you wake up, and there’s that first thought that snapped like an exploded balloon? It’s like that): The Red Carpet! Eeek! I rushed to the TV and watched it. 

    
             *Amy Adams in Proenza Schouler*

   
         *Jennifer Garner in Oscar de la Renta*

         
         *Marion Cotillard in Jean Paul Gaultier*

    
                         *Heidi Klum in Galiano*

    
                     *Keri Russell in Nina Ricci*

Caught a glimpse of Amy (fabulous in Proenza Schouler! Very simple, very safe, and I loved it!) and squaled when she appeared on TV.
Some other opinions: Jennifer Garner looked fantastic (my best-dressed), Marion Cotillard’s JPG gown was… intriguing, Keri Russell looked very moderate and very chic, and Heidi Klum looked absolutely amazing. That gown of hers? Whee…

But, I’m no fashion blogger, so let’s just leave it at that.

I did finally caught about a half-hour of the 3-hour Oscar telecast (as soon as I knew Amy had performed and had presented the award, my spirit fizzled. And besides, I have the YouTube Videos ), and enjoyed it. I thought it was good; as oppose to what others have been saying (or writing) that this year’s telecast is bad, and that Jon Stewart was not funny at all. I thought he did well. I’ve seen his show, and I have to admit that I’m not a big fan of it, but I thought he looked relaxed and carried the show very well. Seth Rogen and that dude who was in Superbad (I’m so lame that I don’t know his name, I know. But I’m sorry) make me laughed endlessly, debating who gets to be Dame Judi Dench and who gets to be Halle Berry. LOL. It was hilarious.

The Honorary Oscars had me thinking, because it’s that moment in your life when everyone stood up and give you a standing ovation. He looked… proud and overwhelmed, and that made me smile (made me proud of him, too, and I don’t even know him).

Then “Guy Candy” appeared; the adorable Mr. Patrick Dempsey; and I clapped with my hands above my head when I saw his figure (well… his hair) being shot from the upper camera. XD> He introduced the song So Close (which, I fell in love with the first time I heard it) as the best song nominee, and I was all smile-partly because the way he said “Giselle” reverted my mind back to the whole movie. Should I mentioned that I cried somewhere along the 2nd verse of the song? I have no idea what came over me, but tears just welled up and I couldn’t handle it anymore. I cried throughout the whole song. Lame? Meh, maybe. But… what’s a fan supposed to do upon hearing that excruciatingly beautiful work of a masterpiece, and being moved by it; even though the Robert-look-alike seemed like Gulliver?

Either it’s Golden Globes, or Oscars, or SAGs, or Critic’s Circle Award; it is what it is. They’re award shows. Continually carried on to honor the actors and the actress and everyone else involved in the movie-making industry. Some people think of them as obnoxious; some don’t care; some confused as to why these events are such a big deal when there’re “more real issues happening out there!”

People can have a good time, right? Come on, they earned it. So, to every single person involved; working in the movie business… congratulations for pulling off another award show. I’m looking forward to next year’s!

Countdown To Oscars

2008’s Award season kicked of in the most horrible way imagined. The Golden Globes (my favorite award show, compared to Oscars) was cut down from a 2-hour-celebs-having-fun-thing to a 30-minute press conference annoucing the winners. It was unbelievable; I blinked in utter disbelief watching it. It was like, “For this category, the nominees are: A, B, C, D, E. And the winner is A. For the next category…” Jeez, there was no pause at all.
My reaction watching it: shaking my head and saying, “What the hell…?”

It all happened because of the WGA Strike, and the point is that for me, it didn’t kicked off the right way. Like… imagine celebrating New Year on your bed, staring at the ceiling, being the only one awake when the whole house is already sleeping (based on personal experience). No fireworks. No hugs. No exclamation, “It’s New Year!!!” None of that whoop of excitement. New Year came just as ordinary as October 3rd (or any other dates there are in calendars).

Now, with the new contract settled, everything frenzied. The SAG was the first big-award-thing we have this year, then followed by BAFTA, Grammy, and, soon enough, Oscars. Hollywood suddenly had “a reason for living” as just 10 days before the show was planned to air, they announced that, yes, there’s going to BE an Oscar this year.

I’m anxiously awaiting for it to happen (Enchanted has three nominations, and I’m just happy to be able to see the songs being performed), though not too content with it being the hype of the week. The industry were wondering whether they should keep on going with the Award, and there was a feeling that we might not have the Oscars this year. But it is going to happen. Everyone’s probably getting their make-up and hair done, their couture gown being fitted into them right now.

OK, so from there to… the nominees. A lot of people say that a lot of actors, actress, directors, movies, were snubbed (meaning: not getting the honorary mention of being nominated). That the Academy don’t know what they’re doing (most of the time) and that this year might be like what happened in 2006, when Crash surprisingly took the honor of Best Picture when everyone was rooting for.. I dunno, some other movie. Brokeback Mountain! *I looked it up online *
Personal opinion: Crash was a good movie. And Brokeback, I’ve only seen bits and pieces. The landscape they shot were undoubtedly amazing, it brought tears to my eyes… the story, too, I can relate. But I haven’t seen the movie from start to finish.

For me, this year is the year of equality. Where every actor and every actress deserves the golden statuette; and that includes everybody involved in the nominated category. I hardly consider the Golden Globe to exist this year, and the Oscars, I’m thrilled to see the celebs wearing their gown and showing their charms and performing on stage (perfoming means: singing a song, presenting, or accepting awards), but, otherwise… Everyone is just as good. If anything, these things make a gap between the piers. And honestly, I can say that achieveing Oscar doesn’t mean that you’re the best of the best. For me, best of the best is when your performance can touch the audiences. Sometimes it gets overlooked, but… well, everybody has their day.
Personal note: Amy gave an incredible performance, but her role was too goody-goody in a movie genre that’s not exactly the Academy’s best friend. JUNO… is a whole other story. Ellen Page did an amazing job, but from what I saw, the whole movie was way overrated.

Maybe the Oscars should be voted like American Idol…

February 22, 2008

Just so I don’t forget this historic day (for me): I got the ELLE magazine!!!

                                                                            *Whee…! Finally got my hands on this!!*

Everyone who was within 100-feet radius of me turned their attention to me as I gasped and yelped when I saw that magazine. Like I had an asthma attack or something. :D I don’t mind. I don’t care. I was just so happy… because FINALLY!!! After everyone in the group posted the scans and the interviews and the articles and all I could do was tell myself, “Don’t read it, don’t read it, don’t read it…” Coz then what’s the point of buying the magazine when I’d read the article, right?

March’s Edition of Vanity Fair is not out yet, though. But I’m happy enough that I can get my hands on that ELLE; a magazine with TONS of ads and the cover story is on page 496… Whew… That’s the first time I bought that kind of magazine (usually it’s People… or other gossip mags… Or Entertainment Weekly) so I was kinda shocked.

Anyway…
I think I found out what I want to do. Or what I dream of doing. In the mall they had this photography exhibition, and I stumbled upon it by accident. My mom was paying for the stuff she bought at the supermarket, and there it was, right in front of the cashier. I’ve always been amazed by what photos are able to do, and consider myself an adequate photographer. An amateur one by that. Here’s an example:

I started browsing around, and it was just… a feast for the eyes. The photos were amazing; beautiful and moving in only photos are able to do. Those people know what they’re doing, and they must be famous between their colleagues. I know one, he’s a very famous photographer here. The rest, I have to admit, I’ve never heard of. But I’m sure they’re big in their community.

Nearing the end of the photos, I came across this beautiful photo of a beach, with a small wooden chair under the tree. And it hit me. Like, “I think this would be perfect for me.”

I have never thought of doing… being a photgrapher and making it as a future profession. But, then again, maybe that was just what I’ve always been looking for. What I’ve always wanted. Go somewhere excluded. Travel around the world and find those beautiful, unspoiled spots. Sit for hours and wait for the right moment, and then capture it. Enjoy the view. Think about my life at the same time (I enjoy taking solitary walk along the beach, which is why beaches and oceans always fascinates me. You can go on forever and enjoy the sound of the sea and stuff like that… It’s fun), and realizing that there is a God. It’s not seldom that I got tempted and question those things, and being in the open land would just… refresh my whole system.

I was excited. Because I use to be that person whose answers to every question would be,” I don’t know” or “we’ll see” because I either can’t explain what I want, or I don’t know what I want (I’ve always been stuck in between those two). Now, if anyone ask me, one of my answer would be, “I think I may try to become a photographer.”

Having a name of what you want to do… It’s a relief.

Refusing For Your Sake

This is what happened to me. I felt so stupid, because, I thought I was being nice, but underneath it all, lies a simple reason that I thought I had mastered.

A friend of mine, all of a sudden approached me and said that he wanted to tell me something. Thanks to my lack of sleep-and in the name of common courtesy-I said, "Sure."
It’s no surprise to me that he talked about MLM (Multilevel Marketing). I know about that kind of stuff, as I was involved once when I was in junior high. But, I was not devoted or whatever you wanna call it, so I called it quits after two months.

I was always this person who’s afraid of saying no. Because I didn’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. I mean, come on. I know what it’s like when you’ve built up your courage and then someone just thrust your confidence down by saying "no." That’s like a slap in the face. So out of courtesy… I let him talk. And before I knew it, he was onto me. Telling me there’s a meeting here and there, asking my friends names and phone numbers…
We met today and he asked me about my friends, and I had a little panic attack. I didn’t want my friends to be involved! The last thing I want to do is to let someone bother them. I thought, "Damn it! What am I going to do now?" Long story short, I gave him their phone numbers.

On my way home, I just couldn’t believe how stupid I was. All those questions swirled around in my head. Why this and why that… I didn’t want to seem rude, but to tell you the truth, I’m not interested in doing business at all. I just want to graduate so I an go to culinary arts. Business, that’s the last thing that’s on my mind right now.

I didn’t want my friends to feel like they’re disturbed by the phone calls I knew he’s just going to make. I tried to… I don’t know, do something! but what was I suppose to do, lie to him?

But then like a lightning bolt it hit me loud and clear. That I was… scared of how he might think of me. I don’t want him to think of me as a friend who turned his business offering down. I want to present myself as nice. Ck.

"I thought I didn’t care how or what people might think of me. Huh. How can I be so… stupid? Thinking that what I did was actually for helping him? I’m drowning myself here!"
Then my mind was silent. For about 5 seconds.
"Turns out I don’t know anything, huh?"

It’s like I’m trying so hard to cover everything up that I ended up being naked, you know what I mean? All I can say from this whole thing is that… when you don’t want something… say no. No matter who it is that offers you, just say no. For your own sake.

Therapy: My Struggle with Myself

I really think I need one. Yet I’m afraid of it at the same time.

A while ago, I tried this online survey thing, thinking that I dealt with a major depression and wanting to know how "severe" it was. Mild? Acute? I’d like to know, coz those months that I went through was just absolute hell. And I mean HELL. Mood swings would occur in a matter of minutes, I had trouble controlling my brain, everything felt wrong somehow, and I couldn’t sleep more than 3 to 4 hours. No matter what time I sleep, I’d always wake up at 8. Even when I slept at 5 in the morning. My eyes would bolt open like there’s an automatic alarm at 8 o’clock. My body was getting tired of it, and I knew I needed more rest. But for some reason it just kept repeating itself. I tried to sleep earlier (10, 11 at night) but I couldn’t. It’s always that little voice, "I’m not tired enough. I got more energy, are you kidding? Sleeping now? Pfft. There are a lot of stuff I can do!"

I was the energizer bunny.

Anyway back to the online test thing. I took it, anwered the questions one by one. *I should mention that by the time I took the test, I was at what I like to call "peace phase". I felt nothing but peace, and no matter what happened, I was calm. I thought I had beat the depression. I thought it was going to be gone for good, and I felt I was victorious. Because I didn’t have to have perscription drugs or anything but I got better. But I remembered what those low points were like very well, and I based my answers on those. I recorded everything in a journal, and when I was unsure how I felt, that became my guideline in asnwering the questions as well.* And what I got was a little bit surprising for me. The diagnosis were: Major depression (I thought, "Huh… So I was right. It was very much depressing. Major depression, huh? Must be because of college stuff). The second one (I did not know there was going to be a second diagnosis coming up, so I was a little surprised) was that I have, from what they can see from how I answered the questions, Bipolar Disorder.

I was shocked, of course. But there was none of that panic worried stuff. I told you I was at "peace phase". No matter what, I felt okay. My reaction to that was a long sigh. Okay, so maybe I didn’t know what it truly was, but I’ve heard that it was a serious problem.

Truth be told, I was relieved. Because what I felt all those times, they have a name for it. The mood swings was not as extreme as what they said, but yeah, I felt them. In fact, I think I’ve been feeling them for a long time, ever since I was a child, only I didn’t know what it was. My turning point would have to be when I first felt that peace. A friend of mine was with me and he saw this look I had. He asked me, "What’s wrong?" and ever so blatantly, the wide-eyed-me turned to him and said, "I think I finally know the difference between emptiness and peace." I’ve been through so many stages in my life where… I feel empty. I was looking for something but I don’t know what it is, and it’s very very frustrating. I couldn’t tell what makes me calm, what makes me mad, and that’s even more frustrating. That’s emptiness. That… feeling as if you’re swallowed by a black hole. That feeling where you think there’s just no way you’re going to make it. Horrible.

I told him, "I’m fine with myself. I can just… my mind’s shutting up. It’s weird. I’m silent and everything’s silent. I’m not wandering about stuff anymore, you know?"

I have to admit that while it’s relieving, the situation took some time getting used to. You’re used to your babbling brain, and once it actually shuts up, you’re like, "Wait, what’s happening?"
I know better that Internet diagnosis are not that reliable. So I took some other Internet tests. The subject was the same, but at some different sites. I even bought a book for Bipolar Disorder. After all of the tests (PLUS the one included in the book) said, "You’re likely to have Bipolar Disorder", I said to myself, "Okay, I have to go to the shrink."
If I have that thing for real, I want to get the official sentence from the shirk and not from some internet stuff and a book from the "For Dummy" series. So I went.

His diagnosis was, and I quote, "No, I don’t think you have a BpD. I think you’re just an angry teenager who needs to recognise yourself."
I nodded, but inside I could just imagine myself frowning. "Really?!"

This whole thing is very, very complex and complicated. I thought that I had that disease for sure, because the description and everything else fits me perfectly. But then to hear my shrink said that is like a bonk in the head with a frying pan. Which one’s right? Me, with the test results and the journal? Him? I didn’t show him the journal, and I stuttered a bit explaining what I went through. After doing some recollecting, I concluded that maybe I didn’t tell him the whole truth. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I was nervous. Socialising with people is eerie for me lately. And my shrink is not what you would call "a comforting person." He sits right across me in this super cold room of his and had that confronting look I’m just not comfortable with. So, it’s kinda amzing how I was able to go to him and told him my problem the first time I went there. Too bad it didn’t work this time.

I think I’m going to get a second opinion. Just to know what is really going on with me. Because I can’t figure it out myself. Specially with what happened last weekend, which was just beyond explanation. What would the second opinion be? Right now, I can only wonder. Until then, until I decide which shrink I should go to, I’ll just… carry on living. Sounds easy? Well, not for me.

February 18, 2008

At times, I don’t even know what the heck I’m doing. Am I doing it right? Would it be wrong for me if I quit? Would everyone call me a quitter if I quit this one, too? How many times I’ve said that I don’t care what people think of me, but this one is different. It’s complicated on so many levels, to the point when my stomach would churned and I would feel the urge to vomit. Everything would just spin around so quickly, and I would feel… lost. Unbalanced. A little nudge and I would fall down.

At times like those, I need you so badly. I need you so that I can hang on. I need to reach your hand and hold it tight, because everything was just spinning spinning spinning and I was losing my balance. I need your embrace or your body so I can wrap my arms around it. I need to feel. I need to feel like I’m not alone.

Have I let you go? Really let you go? No. I don’t think so. It’s just what I say to make it seem easier. Make it seem like I have moved on. Make me seem like a better person. I am a selfish human being. I’m not proud to admit it, but damn it, I am. My heart is just ripped apart whenever I saw you with him. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t want to see it, so I looked away. But the image stayed in my head as if it was glued onto my brain and won’t let go. It would dance around, shove me and say, "look at me!" and I would be left helpless. What can I do? I tried to push it away, but it always finds a way to crawl back in.

No, I don’t look for my friends or my parents or Joe whenever I feel like I’ve had enough. I’d look for you. I long for you, despite everything. How crazy it is for me to feel this way when we’re a world apart?

If things were different, I know that you are the one for me. You have that way of making me feel better. When I saw you, I wondered what is it that I see in you? Then the answer came. I know, really know, that if things were different, you are the one for me. You make me laugh the hardest, but you’re also the one who makes me cry myself to sleep. You make me feel better just by looking at you, but looking at you can be a wake-up call that you are not mine to hold. I want to scream the pain out loud so it would go away. I want to cry all night long. Because when I felt like the whole world is against me, I need you so badly. And you’re not here, either.

My Thank You Note

Okay, so…

I have decided to have this little thank you list, mainly being in the spirit of the upcoming Oscar. Looking back in my life, I have come from a long way to be where I am in life right now, and have had some major and minor changes that formed my personality more or less.

I have realized that no matter what, the environment you’re in tend to shape up how you behave and how you think in one or two ways, whether you want it to or not. While it brings a lot of good things-otherwise I’m not going to even think about thanking these amazing people I’m about to-it does have a negative effect. But don’t mind that. You realize that you are you and you are strong, when you can stay away from those, and still be true to yourself. And it was from the bad things, too, that I learned just what kind of person I am.

Here are the amazing people:

1. Justine Henin
          On teaching me how to view life in a very mature way, on dealing with loss and dealing with everything bad when things just don’t go the way I want them to, or the way I think is best. You have really shown me that action is the important thing, rather than just saying stuff just to impress some people for the sake of the moment. Thank you for being yourself and thank you for the things that you’ve taught me. I’m a different person, in a good way, because of you and for that I am forever thankful.

2. The 20 Hearts Kids
          You guys are really just the most amazing group of kids. I cannot imagine being in your position and having to deal with the things you guys deal with everyday; it’s just incredible. Thank you for… making me realize that I whine way too much It’s true! I don’t have the kind of live you guys have, and I realized that I complain way, way too much sometimes. Reading what you guys had in Switzerland really made me realize that. So thank you for making me a more mature person; and for kicking my head with some sense.

3. My high-school friends
          This includes my cousin, btw. What an amazing bunch we all are. We grew together, in laughter and in tears, and we helped each other to get up and go on. Sure, we’re not always in sync. There are times when we can’t get along for a certain number of reasons, but that really made us grow together even more. For being there for me, for making me laugh and making me cry, for making me feel the first real pain and relief of true love, for making me realize that there’s just no way I please everyone; that people are either going to like me or not because of what I do, and it doesn’t really make me a bad person. You guys are just the best kind of friends I could ever asked for. Thank you.

4. The People in JH-OS Forum
          It’s truly been quite an experience I had with all of you. Komorli our very own talented artist, Greenout the English Forum moderator, Storm the Juddiction master (who’s also a very good friend of mine), Paularosa whom I’ve been able to share some of my disturbing and personal problems and who came through and gave me some advices, Dongmei, Kisa, DICKO whose love for Justine is inspiring and is able to put a smile and a laugh to my face , and every single one of people who’s actively involved in our forum discussion that I cannot mention one by one. You guys are the people I come to whenever I have some Justine moments I need to share with. We all jumped in excitement for Justine when she won, and pick each other up when things were not so good. I’m honoured to be a part of this amazing group of people. What a ride we had last year, and I’m sure we’ll have many more heart attacks from Justine this year and in the years to come

5. The people involved in making Enchanted
          There’s a reason why I’m so grateful for this movie. After a long, long time of watching movies, finally I have found yet another which I cannot wait to watch over and over again. In my ideal world, this would be an Oscar nom, and Adams would win the Best Actress. Nevertheless… what matters is the feel-good-I’m-alive-again-feeling I have in every single time I watch this movie. I don’t mind the amount of money I’ve spent for it, watching it in the cinemas for 11 times in a row. It was such a fun movie; and I left the theater humming the song, btw.
Thank you Kevin Lima for making this wonderful wonderful movie, for making an incredibly delightful homage to Disney *specially for changing the bachelor-party-to-manhole-scene*. Thank you for that amazing ballroom scene and every single scene that makes me laugh or sad in a way that only Disney movies can; I cannot believe what an enjoyable time I have watching this movie. I was kinda skeptical about this movie, however… I’m sorry for being skeptical, by the way It was far from the negative thought I had in my mind.
Thank you Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz for those beautiful songs and that chillingly good music. The score really make me have goosebumps everytime I hear it. Thank you Jon McLaughlin for singing So Close ever so beautifully. Thank you Disney for making it a 2D instead of a CGI movie. Thank you for distributing it and for making me believe in happily ever after again.

6. The Enchanted Characters
          And I’m going to thank the characters as well. Giselle; for being so positive and so kind and so… real. You have brought back the happiness and the passion in life, the positivity I yearned for in characters and the view of life in such a unique way. Sometimes I feel like I need to be positive, but the world I’m in quickly diminished that thought, forcing me to think that life is hard and you can’t be that happy. Thank you so much for proving me wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier for being wrong before . But, yes, I thank you. Because in you I found something so genuine and so alive.
Thank you Robert for opening your heart again and for being the way you are. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and I’m sure that it must be hard. But I know that you’re thankful you’ve found Giselle, right? Thank you for teaching me that… happily ever after needs to be taken care of and to be worked on, in order for it to stay that way.
For Pip, Prince Edward, Nancy, Morgan, Nathaniel, and Giselle (really, I have to credit this favourite gal of mine more than once)-thank you for making me proud in saying, "I’m a big kid."

7. Ariellen
          Wheee, I’m so glad to have someone whose so mature and yet have that kiddie enthusiasm at the same time. Ariellen, you are an amazing writer. Seriously, you should write a book! Or write the script for Enchanted 2, heehee… Thank you for sharing your fanfics with us, and for that amazing perspective on our favourite film. I was actually insipred by you to write one, but the characterization is the main challenge I’m still struggling to tackle, hence the fic never came to reality (I have written only about half a page and then stopped). Nonetheless, you are truly a gifted person, and my wish for you is nothing but the best.

8. Joe
          You know me… like a book. Hands down. You’re like my therapist and my friend all in one package, and that is something that I truthfully cannot take for granted just because. Despite everything, you stick by my side anyway, always giving me advices and encouragement and making me laugh. Your questions are the ones I really want to answer, because they make me think about myself more, they helped me glue all the pieces together. I have a lot of bad days and I think I’ve made you upset more than once. I’m sorry for that. I cannot promise to be better, Joe. I don’t know what lies ahead of me. But I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and the things you keep on doing even though. Thank you for letting me cry that time in the bathroom, I really needed that. I promised her to be strong and yet I couldn’t. You knew I needed to cry and you let me, and you didn’t say anything to her until she asked you. I really cannot thank you enough, because you’ve done so much for me.

9. Musicians whose songs are in my iPod
          Obviously, I cannot mention you one by one. But your music really helped me through. Gave me that right amount of encouragement when I need to let it all out. Let my emotions be heard. Make me smile through the tunes or the lyrics. Helped me learn the Viennese waltz. Some of you have those excruciatingly beautiful music, I swear I cringe everytime I hear it, because I feel that pang of pain and misery, yet it’s so beautiful I cannot stop listening to it. Many thanks for influenting my life, for putting beautiful lyrics and beautiful music into my head, and for inspiring me with it.

10. Amy
          Oh, the most painful and expensive lesson in life I have to learn from you. It is hard to say, but what we had gone through, words are just not enough. You made me fell. Deep. Down. Hard. I was unprepared, unguarded, and you sneaked into my life and stole the most important thing I own. I don’t mind. I’m happy you took it. I just wished that things were different, because it’s been hard. So hard. Everytime I see you it’s a whirlwind of emotion. It’s pain and happiness, it’s anger and joy, it’s jealousy and passion. It’s a roller coaster ride I did not ask for, yet I got anyway.
But those things, however painful, made me grow up emotionally. You have taught me so much, and although I cannot… I thank you for coming into my life anyway. If things were different… I only dare to wonder whether.

11. The people in Facebook Group
          Whether it’s Enchanted group or Adams’ group, I’ve had fun with you guys, it’s amazing. Michelle, Edualy, and all the other members of the Enchanted group, it was definitely a fun ride finishing the That’s How You Know song. Arielle, thank you for creating the Adams’ group and for making he feel a surge of pride whenever you post compliments. It makes me feel like I did something right. Stephany, for being an amazing member; someone who’s able to track down her high school yearbook pictures (that is an accomplishment I have to bow down to) and whom I can share pictures of her with. Michael for being another active member, for sharing his views and opinions (sorry about the Conan thing. Really, I didn’t mean to be offensive) on things. We have, I’m proud to say, the most active group for AA there ever is on Facebook. Well, there’re only three, but still… It’s a mini accomplishment. So thank you for… having the same taste in film and the same love for AA.

12. Fanfic Writers
          For every single author who’s work had been posted on www.disneyenchantedfans.com, I am forever thankful. Because each and every one of you had managed to get into my head the ideas of what Giselle and Robert (and Nancy and Edward) will go through, or what they were going through. You made me laugh, cry, cringe (because I couldn’t believe that I actually read that! LOL), and made my days. Fanfics shows how much you care about the movie, and I’m always happy to meet fellow Enchanted-cravers; let alone people who writes fanfics!

I have only been here living my life for about 20 years. I’ve still got a long way to go. For now, these are the people (and the things) that have influenced me big time. Never in my life, when I was still a little kid, have I imagined that I would have the chance to know them, and for that, I am forever thankful.

Standing In The Storm

The wind and the flood and the bits of buildings and the cars flew around you. The people were screaming in terror, panicking out of fear, for they have never been in a condition where nature wreck havoc.

Yet I stood still.

No, I didn’t stay still out of shock, my feet weren’t able to move. I could move them if I want to. I could run with those people, panicking along, looking for cover when we all know that everything is gone and nowhere is safe. Even the underground seemed like it was going to reject us if we got in there. I could try to save my life if I wanted to. But that’s just the thing. I do not.

I felt like screaming but my throat is caught, my head starts to say these, "Yeah, right. Like anyone would hear me," stuff. I wanted to scream not because I was looking for help. I wanted to scream because I want to let the pain go. I want the numbness in my heart to go away so I can feel again. I want to be feel relieved, and to be able to move on.

Though how can I move on when I have to give away the very essence of me? When I had to let that person go simply because I was not strong enough to hang on for the both of us. In the midst of all the chaos, I thought I was strong enough. I thought I could save us both. I thought later, after we survived all of this, we can still have what we had and what we shared.

I was not strong enough. I turned and looked at the very face I would come home to everyday, take it in my hands and let out the most painful smile I’m ever going to let out. It was time, because it’s for the best.

With chaos, wrath, anger, fear, panic, and death whirled around me, all is lost. Everything around me was moving, moving, moving. Everything was spinning so fast, happening so quick.

They still have feelings. Mine were gone along with my soulmate. And so I stood still. In the middle of nowhere. In the middle of chaos. In the name of sacrifice.

Backfired

God knows what the heck happened to me last night. It was a frenzy, roller-coaster ride of emotions. I honestly thought that I was about to break apart, shattered into a million tiny little pieces, by something that I I so want to put behind.

What actually happened to me that made me felt so sick to my stomach? I literally felt the urge to throw up. Not because I read something that’s painful or disgusting, but because the subject which I’ve always viewed with a positive perspective took it’s toll on me and I was, acidentally, dragged to think about it from the other side.

What I can recall about those 5 days are just pure five days of hell. It was the last day of college orientation, and we were called to have the faculty orientation. I’ve always hated those things, not wanting to be involved in it and want to spit it to their faces if I could. It’s a pointless thing to do, yet they do it anyway out of tradition. I met my friends afterwards and realized how much I missed them and how much I want to go back to high school and not be apart from them. We were going in on different directions, different parts, different majors in college, and the thought of losing them scared the crap out of me.

All the new college students were pushed hard. The comes the camping. I did go home with more than a lesson stuck in my head, and so decided to view it from that side only. Yes, after I went through it, I found some use to it. So I put the case to rest.

Yesterday I met my friends and she told me that she’s still in orientated with her seniors. It would go on for a year, and she’d lived 7 months out of the 12. She told us (I was with some friends) how she got home almost at midnight, how she was told to report to her seniors even in test week, how she had to look for the things they told them to wear or bring, how they treated the juniors. It was outraging, let’s just call it that. I don’t want to emphasize that problem.

The memory came rushing back like a big wave. Hard, it hit me. Like a rock on the edge of the ocean, I was not prepared to have my mind backfired in automode. I thought, "What the hell-?" I lived that. I went through it. I have no idea how, I just did. I think it was more of a survival instinct instead of thinking ahead. We camped, I had to look for the gears and the materials some two weeks before we departed, and I almost went mad. If the seniors (who, I should mention, are nice once the camp is over) were there and know what I went through, I would smack them in their faces, I swear to God.

Truth be told, I’ve just had about enough of everything. My college. The studies. The reports. Math. I got an E in Math. I thought I could do well in the midterm, and I failed it. Badly. Is it my fault that I don’t think the way my professor does? This particular subject held me back in so many levels, I’m scared that I might not be able to graduate in time. I’m not fond of Math. Yet I have to do it.

Everything is "I-HAVE-TOs". Things that I do not because "I want to do it", but because "I have to do it otherwise…" How did I end up here, in this situation? I would love to quit, yet doing what seems to be the most cowardly thing I could ever do, I can’t. I chose this path, and I chose the major I’m in right now. The last thing I’m going to do is quit. I know I have to suck it up for a certain period of time. Who knows when it will end. I’m going to be a really happy person once I throw my graduation cap in the air.

My stomach churned again late at night, so I wrote to Amy. Everytime I write to her, I bare it all down and strip my imperfection as a human being wholly. It is hard for me, someone who’s used to think that I can do it all and I’m tough, to admit that yes, I have flaws and I’m not strong enough and maybe even a wimp on some level. But unless I let it out, there’s just no way for me to feel better.

Who would’ve thought that my whole positive approach on something that I’d gone through would just backfire like that? Not me, certainly.