Now that I’m back to my normal state of mind, I can’t help but wonder that my life is a bit empty.
Whenever I was a wreck, I’d feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows-despite my inability to express them. Life was full of emotions, full of things that I had to do, or had to deal with. Now that I’d surpassed all that, it’s… empty somehow.
I imagined having a monotonous life–a happy, monotonous life. What I got is now the boring version of it. Every week of every day, it’s filled with paperwork and reports and assignments… I can just easily complain about it all, saying stuff like, "Oh, this isn’t what I want." or "I wish it wouldn’t have to be this hard."
But, nope. Nothing. I’m too tired to complain. My life isn’t all about complaints. I mean, I can complain all day long until the day I die, and it’ll still be not enough. Conciously, or subconciously, I’d supressed my emotions. And it’s good at times. Believe me, supressing your emotions and controliing your impuls have their benefits.
Yes, I live an ordinary live. My life is all about my faculty–the reports, the papers, the assignments, the extra classes– yet it’s something that I have to go through as a student.
Nowadays my blog is more about wondering, and less about self teaching. Gone now is the long essays of self teaching. I’d wonder a lot about my life. Where would I go from here? What would I do in the future? How many kids would I have? Do I live in an apartment or in an ordinary house? Would I still be working by the time I’m pregnant? What’s my purpose of living?
They come to mind regularly, filling the void in my brain. I’d thought about it all, trying to figure out the exact answer that would make me content. All I can come up with is: "I have no idea".
Today, despite feeling content because there’re no scurry emotions, I feel… flat. My world is not all that exciting; just ordinary. Whenever I’d have my "roller coaster moments"–when I’m having mood swings like crazy–all I want to have is a bit of quietness. Now that I have it… I don’t know what to do with it.
